The Travel Zany Files: Airport Madness and Amenity Kits

by Robert McGarvey

We have entered the era of peak zaniness – and, no, I’m not pointing a finger at the House of Representatives (although I could).  I am restricting this observation to the world of travel and I have two exhibits for your consideration.

Some ideas are just so dumb you’d think they had to be April Fool’s pranks. 

This week’s Zany Winner has to be  the growing number of airports that are lowering the security gates and welcoming in non-flyers across the facility. WaPo has the story. Here’s the lede: “American airports might not be the first place you would think to go shopping or grab a bite to eat. But as many major locations splurge on renovations, they’re encouraging travelers to take advantage of their revitalized spaces, even if they don’t have a flight to catch.”

The hook for the WaPo piece is that Orlando International Airport has joined the small but growing club of airports that have implemented programs that provide visitors with day passes for entry even when they are not flying.

LaGuardia, Louis Armstrong New Orleans and Seattle-Tacoma are among other airports that have implemented this program.

TSA has to approve the application for entry.

We are told that this program brings us back to earlier airport times when family and friends would wait at gates to greet arrivals and isn’t that a marvelous Donna Reed memory.  

But America has changed and so has our relationship with airports.

Fact: US airports are grievously overcrowded.  Travel Weekly, something of an habitual cheerleader for the travel sector, had this lugubrious observation about them: “Crowded airport gates, check-in halls and restaurants were common sights last year as Americans returned en masse to the skies and airlines suffered unusually high levels of delays and cancellations.

But a long-term dynamic poses the risk that uncomfortable levels of crowding could become the norm at many hub airports.”

McKinsey has this to say on the issue: “Unfortunately for the industry and its customers, headlines from summer 2022 were filled with stories of long queues, delayed flights, and lost bags—leading to a rise in customer complaints.”

When I have been in airports this year I have wished I was wearing the football pads I wore in high school and the helmet would have been a nice touch.  Getting anywhere was a matter of threading through restive crowds.

Sure, I understand the retailers who pay substantial rent for their squats in the airports want more revenue – but the answer to that might be better prices, smarter inventory, and a whole lot fewer stores. I cannot recall buying anything beyond a bag of nuts and a bottle of water at an airport store in years.  

I get it: airport retailers think they have an e ticket to the winner’s circle because ecommerce cannot compete with them and so far neither Amazon nor Uber knows how to deliver to airport terminals.  

But I still am not buying from airport shops and I definitely am not hanging out in airports when no flight is on my schedule.

I strongly doubt the addition of non flying airport visitors will boost retail. We don’t shop in malls anymore, why would anyone think airport retail has a future?

Back up a few steps. Let’s consider the root reality.

Let me ask you this: when you think of an airport what comes to mind? I immediately think of long lines, crowds, smelly bathrooms, bad, overpriced food, stores that have no obvious point and, oh, did I mention, everything is priced higher than it should be.

I see no reason to apply for entry beyond security and if I want to meet a friend or relative I can meet them at baggage claim so who needs the entry pass to go deeper into the airport?

To say nothing about the waste of TSA staff time and resources vetting these idiotic applications for entry.

File this under really dumb and desperate ideas.

Exhibit Two

ThePointsGuy story caught my eye: “Hawaiian Airlines wants to lure premium travelers with new amenity kits.”

Luckily I wasn’t drinking morning coffee because I’d have spit a geyser up in furious laughter.

Would you pick one airline over another over an amenity bag and can you imagine what would have to be in one to win your custom?

Maybe if the carrier tucked an ounce of Maui Wowie in the kit and said smoking weed inflight was island cool.

Alas, such filler is not to be. TPG breathlessly spilled the kit’s details to us: “business-class travelers will be treated to kits that include sleep masks, toothbrushes, pens, earplugs and tissues, along with toiletries like lip balm in a cream-colored canvas bag.”

To call this humdrum is to flatter the wit that created it.

Enough said.

We are entering full travel zany as unclever marketers clumsily compete for our affections.

I can scarcely wait for the next installments in this story.

And don’t be shy. Use the comments to post your favorite dumb travel innovations.